It has been a while. Half term happened, planning for the next chapter of Aidan's life happened. Stuff happened.
Anyway, today's lesson from my autistic son is about understanding the only thing you can control is yourself, and how you choose to react to situations and people is solely down to you. Unless you are autistic, then you have a very good excuse! And I learned that sometimes doing nothing is the most powerful thing you can do.
This is about a time when Aidan was hitting out at me in frustration.
When Aidan was around 3 and a half, Josephine was about 6 weeks old, we had a diagnosis, had been to early birds, and Aidan was enrolled at the amazing Phoenix Centre and we had access to the support there.
Joseph's parents came down to help us out. I cannot tell you how great it was to have the support there. I could just feed the baby and hand over to Grandma and the cleaning, cooking and shopping fairies were there. Rhien was at school and loved having them there too.
It was a busy house for Aidan, always a challenge for him even now; too much noise!, and he had recently developed - always a positive in any form- from always hitting himself when upset to hitting out at me. You see to him we were connected, I must know his frustration/worry/hunger/needs, and just be ignoring them like some cold unfeeling monster. And when the world is as confusing as it was to him, it was only natural to have that fear manifest in anger at the one person you hope will take it all away. At this point Aidan had no speech to voice his anguish.
So he would smack, punch and kick out at me several times a day and at that stage often without obvious reason (there is always a reason, you just have to look) and it was very hard for everyone. The Grandparents wanted to help and support and discipline, my oldest son was confused and protective, and my husband came home to a very grey looking wife most days.
We tried cards showing no hitting, showing it hurt, time outs, pretending to cry, consoling me and not him. All of which looking back must have just made it feel even worse.
Then one of our support workers suggested trying to be consistent in my response. By not reacting. In fact, switching off, like a machine, when he started to hit me. Sounds bonkers I know, and I looked like I had run out of charge - think really bad 80's robot dancing - but every time he hit out at me I would just stop, stay still and motionless, and when he finally stopped hitting, would carry on as if it hadn't happened at all. It took a long few weeks of this to make any difference but finally the basic learning that hitting was not making any difference, not producing any reaction, sunk in and the hitting of me stopped. Sadly the hitting of himself continued, but with a lot of detective work, and time trying to see life through his eyes, we have reduced that to very few happenings.
You see when you are desperate or unhappy, you can become dependant on any reaction, even a negative one. There are many children and adults not on the spectrum who still go out of there way to create a reaction, positive or negative. This almost always due to an underlying reason. This says more about them and their journey than the person reacting.
And so lesson No. 4 as a mother of an autistic son is - just don't. Don't react. Let it pass and move on. Your reaction to anything or anyone is something you and you alone can control.
